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Townies |
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Townies – The Truth Exposed Now,
quiet down at the back. Yes,
I can hear you bawling. "What
is a townie, you ask?" What
an inquisitive person you are. Here's
a fizzy cola bottle sweet. Now,
sit down, shut up and listen. :) I
think the easiest way to describe townies to you people, is to
categorise each part of their life.
I know a lot of you may think I'd be generalising by doing so,
but let me reassure you, I am not.
Apart from slight gender differences, the majority of townies are
exactly the same. So, here
we go.. The
Dress Male: The typical townie male
dress consists of a sports tracksuit for any occasion. The only other piece of clothing they own is a scabby black
suit for use in their numerous court appearances, (but more about that
later). The sports
tracksuit is usually branded with the Adidas logo, and three stripes,
but occasionally extends to such brands as Kappa.
The colour of the tracksuits is one of the most striking parts of
the townie appearance, and one of the factors which can unmistakably
make a townie recognisable in any social situation. The
colours are moreover fluorescent yellows, greens, and oranges. Supposedly a 'tasteful' fashion sense, they parade around
like human sized light beacons, occasionally temporarily blinding
unfortunate passers by. The
townie male's shoes are sports trainers.
Mostly always bright white, but for the up-market townie,
sometimes a fluorescent green, red, yellow or orange colour.
Most probably worn so they are ready at any time to make their
escape on foot from Police in pursuit of them. Women: Sometimes mistaken with
four legged canines, this form of the female human species of townie,
dress much the same way as the townie male.
Fluorescent tracksuits and sports trainers. My
theory for the way townies dress is this.
I will put the first part in a drama script-type form. Adidas
UK Representative:
Hey, boss. We really
need some new stuff here to boost the sales, but the only fabric we have
left is this horrendous fluorescent stuff. Adidas
UK Boss Guy:
Hey, don’t worry. Just
get the designers to make loads of the usual with those colours, and
then market it as being the new ‘cool’.
The deviant youth of the UK will surely fall for our marketing
ploy.” Adidas
UK Representitive:
Boss, you’re a genius.” Adidas
UK Boss Guy: Yeah, I know.
Now get me my slippers. So,
you see. This is how the
fluorescent tracksuit wearing townie youth came along, selling well
because townies are the only stupid enough people to actually fall for
it. Just because it has a
sports branded logo. Nighttime Male:
The typical dress of the
male townie 'out on the town' consists of a bright, more than likely Ben
Sherman branded shirt, and denim jeans.
(All stolen). As for
the shoes, it’s still the same white sports trainers or a pair of
leather shoes. Townie males
are always easy to spot out in town at night.
They're the one's in big groups, shouting random townie banter at
man-beast townie 'girls' at the top of their voices.
This adopted idea that they have acquired of actually figuring
out that they can't get into clubs looking like tramps has somewhat
hidden the townie male’s stereotypical appearance.
The fact that they still act like townies, easily gives the game
away, though. Women:
The townie
girl's appearance, clothes-wise at night is, well..as little as
possible. They buy stolen,
sparkly tops, which are far too small for them and squash into them.
Then, they do the same for a 'skirt'.
For some townie girls, this may mean resorting to bin bags
covered in dandruff, (supplied by a more than willing townie volunteer). For
the shoes, its 3 or 4 inch high heels which enable them to walk like
disabled donkeys around town, thus again, like the males making them
easy to spot. The Hair Male The
most popular townie male haircut is a completely shaved head, making it
easy for them to show off scars which they have after being attacked by
their peers in various ways, including golf shoes, picture frames,
stones, etc.. Another
less popular, but very distinctive townie male’s hair cut is a hair in
curtains down to about the bottom of the forehead, with an undercut.
This sometimes involves the hair being bleached and stuck in big
strips of hair individually with gel to the hair. Female There
are many more female types of townie hair cut, but one of the most
popular looks is to have a thin fringe which peaks out over the forehead
and curls back in, meeting with the forehead again.
The hair is usually coated in a thick layer of hair spray, which
smells most familiar like sewage or radioactive material.
A word of advice, don’t light a cigarette near a townie girl. The
Teeth Male A townie male’s set of teeth close in condition to
that of an 80-year-old man. Rotting
from all the years they’ve avoided brushing them, and a deep yellow
from the non-stop eating of junk food.
The arrangement of them is as bad as you could imagine.
All over the place, with a chipped tooth, or one or two missing
for good measure. “’I
gor’ ‘is one smacked ow’ by, faggin w’as ‘is name.
Fuckin’ ‘urt like.” Female Some of the scruffed up townie girls’ teeth are
exactly as described above, but a lot seem to actually have teeth in
quite a good condition. No
doubt from them being capped to look ‘like a’ one from Atomic
Kitten. She’s faggin’
gorgeous’. The
Townie Accessories Male:
In the case of
jewellery, it’s pretty simple really.
On neck, there will probably be a fake gold necklace, (stolen or
shipped in from Turkey) with an Adidas Logo hanging from out.
On the ears, there will probably be one or two gold studs or
sleeper earrings, again fake. Around
the wrist, (yeap, you guessed it), more fake gold jewellery.
On the fingers, will probably be big, fat, fake gold rings. The message being that the more fake jewellery they have, the
better they are. (Or the
better contacts they have with 'dodgy Dave'). Females:
Much
the same as above, but usually more gold rings, earrings and bracelets.
A poor, primitive attempt at looking attractive. Both
sexes The
number one, essential townie accessory - the mobile phone.
More than likely a Nokia branded phone, whenever they have a
spare moment, they are texting or phoning needlessly to one of their
friends. Example: “Mah! I Iz across der roooard, like. Faggin’ look a’ me, I iz smashin’ duh car win-door in, like!” They
also love to have ring tones for their phones.
Always more than likely chart dance music tunes.
Perfect for townies, because they sound exactly like the sound a
mobile phone ringer can emit. They
will also usually always have the phone in view in an attempt to look
stylish. Make-up Male The
townie male has a very strict and narrow-minded opinion when it comes to
make-up. A male wearing any
make up at all is wrong. Any
townie male wearing any type of make-up, even that used at fancy dress
parties, used by townie clowns, etc, will be completely frowned upon.
Probably also resulting in a beating. Female The
female townie rule on make-up is simple.
“Va more ew ‘as, da prettier ew is, like”.
This always brings about humorous results.
Townie girls prowl the streets with faces like circus performers,
eye make up like it was being given away free, and lipstick piled on
like there’s no tomorrow. The
make up looks radioactive, and the perfume can be smelled anywhere in a
five mile radius, making walking around town at night close to being
locked in a leaking factory which uses excrement to produce into
compost. The Cars For
the younger townie, the cars which they all tend to own, are 15 year old
‘done up’ Ford Fiesta’s or Vauxhall Nova’s.
In their stupidity, they spend thousands of pounds, (made by
selling off stolen goods) on adding pointless features to improve the
cars’ performance and make it look flashy.
These things include rally style seat belts and sparkly lights on
the front. All of this is very confusing because any of the cars that
they buy are never going to be capable of getting over 20 miles an hour.
The only thing they are fit for doing, is being crushed. For
the older, more ‘civilised’ townie, the cars are usually old, fit
for the scrap heap Lada’s which are in the front garden of their
houses, and usually propped up on breeze blocks, rusting and with 3
wheels missing. The Eating Habits The
townie eating habit, again mirrors their mental state.
They are like animals. It
is bewildering why they bother with a knife and fork, because they could
certainly do without one as they devour any crap which is given to them.
The motion of the mouth is much like a gerbil, with excess crumbs
and what-not spilling from the corners of the mouth onto the floor. The Hygiene Well,
for the most part is frankly disgusting.
If you were blindfolded and first walked past a refuge dump, then
a crowd of townies, I think most people would find distinguishing the
two very difficult. Enough
said about that, I think. *
Wretches * The Music A
townies music preference is aimed towards the brain numbing end of the
spectrum, namely, dance, trance, house and garage ‘music’.
Townies are so disillusioned on this topic, in the respect that
they don’t realise that it is scientifically proven that the music
they listen to actually does nothing for improving the functions of the
brain. The continuous
repetitive beats is in no way stimulating, or nice to listen to, mostly
always resulting in a bad migraine.
This may explain why a lot of townies resort to drugs such as
Speed to enjoy themselves at clubs.
The simple structure of the music is also the maximum complexity
that a townie individual can take.
Predictable, meaningless lyrics which are easy to remember are
just what a townie desires. The Attitude Males The
attitude of the townie male is quite surprising.
Despite the fact that they are below the likes of any decent
person in society, they act like they know best.
They swagger wildly as they walk in their gangs, with no respect
for anyone they may come across. Big
queue at the bus stop? Let’s
just push in front of everyone to get on first.
Someone standing in a doorway, which they need to pass through?
Don’t be at all surprised if you’re pushed out the way by a
townie. Want something?
“Oi, ew! Gimme tha’,
ew faggin’ twa, or I’ll ge’ my cousins, bruvva’s, lawyers,
stilt-walking, scrabble playin’, fast talkin’, dog shaggin’, cheap
cider drinkin’, fat assed mate on ew’. ‘E’s a faggin’ black
belt in Origami”. So,
in general. The townie
attitude is complete disrespect for anyone but their own sort.
Who, as well as anyone else, they will randomly start pointless
fights with if they minutely step out of line in a townie’s way of
thought. Females The
townie female is in no way what society deems ‘feminine’.
They may look it from the outside, and to those not in ‘the
know’, but they are just as violent, short tempered and rude as the
men. Expect to be treated
the same in their presence, and for both sexes, expect to hear who they
had fights with at clubs on the weekend. The Mental Capacity This
can be applied to all townies. Their
mental state and capacity, it can be argued is less than that of a wild
goose. They really are
stupid. They don’t
understand the way the world works, and in their pitiful attempt at
trying, (in what they think right) to make it better, in fact make it
worse. They
have the vocabulary of a retarded foreign student who hardly knows the
English language. Examples:
“I seen ‘ew the other day”
“ I
dun’ like ‘ew, ‘faggin twa’”
“Did ‘ew see what I done?”
“Wa’rew say?” There
has been many a time where a townie has tried communicating with me, and
I have not understand a word they have said until they repeat their
sentences phonetically. Another
signaler of their mental state is the fact that they clearly do not
understand how the way they act is ruining their lives.
They get the opportunity for free schooling.
This being a good, fair chance to escape the clutch of the lives
which their parents live in the worst areas of the city. Any normal person would take this chance and make the most of
it, but not a townie. They
pursue an idea which involves trying to show that they are better than
any education system, and that in order to succeed in life, they don’t
need it. This is shown by
the way in which they continually disrupt classes, (or don’t even
bother going to them). Among
their peers, these acts are seen as desirable. When
townies realise their mistake, when they are about 23 and on the dole,
they try again to prove the people who they have tormented in the past
wrong. They resort to becoming scratch card addicts to try and
become rich quick. What I
learnt, though, was that the only time success comes before work is in
the dictionary. So, for the
vast majority, this life of betting and losing falls dramatically short
of anything they stupidly hope. The
only answer they can turn to then is beer ,the cause and solution of all
problems. The
above is what keeps the townie culture alive, and so for many townies,
the ambition in life is to get the youngest and ugliest girl they can
find pregnant, and move into a council house as soon as possible.
From then on, its nights to the bingo and pub forevermore. Townie Related Humour
A 14 year old townie boy goes home to his father
one evening. “Dad! I
jus’ found ow’ I’s
gor’ Gemma Pregnan’” To which his father replies.. “’Fank God for tha’, son.
Me and ew muvver’ ‘fort ew was gay!” The intelligence of a townie morally is easy to judge whenever they are confronted in a social situation in which they are at all threatened. You would imagine that most people would try and resolve the problem by discussing the matter and coming to a mutual decision – not a townie. The only way they see fit to fix any type of situation like this is to shout, bawl and fist fight. These actions further stereotype the townies into the status they have acquired. Summary So,
there we have it. If
you’ve managed to trawl through all of that, and taken it in, you
should be ‘all in the know’ on the townie.
If, however, having read the above you feel that there is
something that I have missed out, please do not hesitate to contact me
on the address supplied on the ‘contact’ page of the website.
I think you will agree with me when I say that the townie is something which this world really does not need, and something we would all do a lot better without. Hopefully, some day, somehow they will be completely eradicated from the face of this Earth. We can only home. Written
by Anonymous – 'Anonymous' because if I am found as the one to write
this by any townie, I will be probably killed.
If not, forced to live in witness protection for the rest of my
life. I don’t want that
happening. I’m sure you
understand. 07/05/2002
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